College Application Letter

            I am the one who wrote the dictionary. I am the mastermind behind Newton’s laws of motion. I am the real Slim Shady. On Mondays, I perform lifesaving surgeries. On Wednesdays, I write award winning novels. On Fridays, I build houses for children in Africa. And on Saturdays, I do my homework.

My parents did not raise me, I raised my parents. My teachers did not educate me, I educated my teachers. And I do not fear the Reaper, the Reaper fears me. When there is something strange in the neighborhood, I am the one the Ghostbusters call. Beyoncé comes to me for vocal lessons. I showed Miley Cyrus how to twerk. I taught Cali Swag District how to dougie.

Teachers adore me. My peers worship me. If I punched someone in the face, they would thank me. I have won a cook off against Gordon Ramsay. I have won a 400-meter race against Usain Bolt. I have won a game of scrabble against my mom.

I know the alphabet in twenty languages. I can recite the Bible from cover to cover. I have memorized every song by Taylor Swift. I know Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. Russell Peters laughs at me. Bruce Lee begs me for mercy. I have won eight Olympic gold medals.

I have set foot on all seven continents and swam the seven seas. I have climbed to the top of Mount Everest. Twice. And I have solved a rubric cube in less than ten seconds. But I have not yet gone to college.